A Brilliant Tool to Articulate and Evaluate Trust.
Can I Trust You?
Who do you trust? John Gottman, known for his influential work on marital relationships and best selling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” notes that trust is vital in healthy relationships and in communities in which we live and work. The level of trust can even predict the success of economies!
In the last few weeks, our family has had many discussions around boundaries and the value of trust. These are difficult concepts to articulate and even more challenging to measure. What is trust? What does it mean to you? How do you gain the trust of others? How do you approach a situation where your trust is broken? These questions were answered in my course in which we discussed trust and the work of Brené Brown.
Brené Brown, a research professor who studies human connection, is well known for her TED Talks on vulnerability and shame (links below). Her model of trust, called B.R.A.V.I.N.G, brilliantly collects at all the components of trust, making them not only specific but measurable, which in turn allows us to have those difficult conversations. This model’s specific language and measurable components can be used to evaluate trust in our relationships, both personal and professional. There is much research on the importance of trust in all relationships. It is considered a foundational value for thriving personally and professionally. Without trust, organizations lack engagement and poor culture, which can snowball and affect the bottom line. Trust is like a dance and takes two to make it work. Most can identify when trust has been broken, but few can articulate precisely what the issue was so that change can occur and be measured. That’s where BRAVING comes in. Read on and consider how much BRAVING you contribute to in all your relationships. Here is what BRAVING stand for:
Boundaries: This is about knowing and expressing our boundaries and knowing and respecting those of others. Boundaries and not the same as walls: boundaries can be negotiated and can change when both parties agree. Many people have difficulty upholding their boundaries. How many times have we said “yes” to please others?You’ve heard it before: “No” is a complete sentence! Our brain is continuously filtering out billions of bits of information. It only keeps what we think is essential. By diminishing our boundaries, we keep telling our minds that our choices and boundaries don’t matter!
““If you spend your life pleasing others, you spend your life.””
Reliability: Do what you say and say what you do. Walk your talk! For me, this even means calling people when I say I will and showing up on time! It’s work in progress for me and something to which I am committed. It also means not to pretend I will do something just for a conversation like “We should have coffee together!” when I know that won’t happen. Reliability is also critical in organizations and reflected by their leadership. Being reliable means others can count on us.
Accountability: Means taking responsibility for our actions and making things “right” when we’ve messed up. To continue with the example above, when I show up late, I own that. It wasn’t the traffic or someone else’s fault. Sure, things happen, but then there’s a quick text or call to inform those counting on me that I will be late and why. Being late does not become a habit.
Vault: Confidentiality. Don’t share experiences that are not yours to share. Lookin’ at you, gossip! Confidentiality can also be a significant issue in the workplace. Backdoor conversations and meetings that dwindle into complaints about others who are not there to defend themselves are examples of breaking the vault in the workplace. Sure, there are times when we are genuinely worried about someone who doesn’t seem to be seeking help, so we want to enlist the opinions or support of others. To me, the vault is analogous to addressing tattling with the kids. If one of them came to me, about to spill the goods on the other, I would stop them then ask: “Is this going to help or harm the other? If it’s the latter, I don’t want to hear it.”
Integrity: This is about doing the right thing. We know deep within us what that it. It’s often not the easy thing to do. It’s about COURAGE OVER COMFORT.
Non-Judgement: Our mind evaluates everything so that we can make sound decisions. Over time, many of those decisions become automatic when we are used to doing them regularly. Judgment, when it comes to people, can automatically result in a tendency to react. Mindfulness is a tool to help overcome judgment; It helps us to be aware that we are judging and not react to our judgments. When we find ourselves judging, it helps to take the time to check-in and ask: “Is this true? What is the evidence, and how reliable is that evidence?” Non-judgement is essential when others seek help or are struggling as we can judge them as weak or lesser-than. Think of it this way: knowing that we won’t be judged allows us to seek help when we need it. The same should be available to others.
Generosity is about seeing what happens through the lens of “everyone is trying to do their best.” It’s about showing kindness and recognizing that people are experiencing all kinds of challenges that affect their behaviour. It doesn’t make their behaviour right, but it makes us less reactive when we see it from a different lens.
Once you know this BRAVING model, conversations about trust are more specific and allow for measurable change. For example, when someone oversteps a boundary, let them know precisely what the problem is instead of just saying it’s about trust. Let’s say a colleague keeps asking you to work on projects, but then you end up doing all the work. Your boundary is that you are happy to collaborate as long as you both put in the work. Ideally, it would be great to make this expectation known at the start and not assume it is known. What if your colleague takes advantage of your work ethic and rides on your coattails every time? That breaks trust (particularly: boundaries, reliability and accountability) and will affect your relationship. Address this: “when you say we are going to work together, then I end up doing most of the work, that oversteps the boundaries collaboration, makes me feel like I cannot rely on you and I don’t feel you are accountable for your share of the work. To keep this relationship healthy, I will have to stop working on projects with you if this happens again. Or How do we work together to resolve this?” Of course, in real life, the responses vary based on your relationship and situation.
The most important thing I learned from BRAVING and discussions of trust is that I first have to build trust in myself. Am I keeping true to my boundaries? Am I judging myself when I need help? We first need to show up for ourselves, and then we can expect the same of others.
Check out these TEDTalks By Brené Brown
The Power of Vulnerability (Top 10 TED Talks of all time)
and
Listening to Shame TEDTalk
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Disclaimer: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.
References: More on John Gottman and trust in the workplace from Harvard Business Review.