How to Keep Them Healthy
From work colleagues to families and neighbours to friends, we all need to learn to manage relationships well. Many situations challenge relationships, and COVID has to be way up there among them. Notice any signs of strain in your relationships in the past year? From his extensive work on relationships, psychologist and researcher John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) points out that four key signs show your relationship is in trouble. He calls these the "4 Horseman of the Apocalypse." They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you notice any of these signs, this video will give you a little more on strategies to counter them. Although Gottman's work is primarily on couples; I think the lessons are universal to all relationships. How we treat one person is likely how we treat everyone because so many of our actions are habitual.
THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT
What habits do we need to build to prevent our relationships from inviting in those "4 Horseman" in the first place? One of Gottman's fundamental principles is to have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, especially during an argument. 😉 The idea is to build a "savings account" of your positive actions in your "relationship bank" so that when you make a "withdrawal" by behaving negatively, there is a buffer. This idea is similar to Stephen Covey's work (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families) with the emotional bank account. Covey defines that actions that build trust add to the account and actions that deplete trust withdraw from the account. The balance of the account then determines how people interact with each other. So, if your interactions are on the bumpy side, you may want to work on adding more "deposits" to the emotional bank account of that relationship.
POSITIVE REALTIONSHIP DEPOSTIS
Developing these habits, however, requires some intention. We need to decide that we will make some positive deposits each day by thinking of the interaction coming up and how we will make that interaction more positive. How do we add those deposits? As you may have already guessed, some emotional bank account deposits include:
Showing simple kindness such as making a cup of tea without being asked
Showing gratitude for something the other has done,
Stopping and listening with full presence to what the other is saying (put the phone down!),
Asking about their day with genuine interest,
Spending time doing fun activities together (movie, concert, playing games),
Learning about their likes and dislikes and keeping these in mind.
ACTIVE CONSTURCTIVE RESPONSING
Of course, there are many more! Another way to make a positive deposit is called active constructive responding (ACR). ACR is about turning towards or paying full attention to the person when they come to share something good with you, such as a joke or how their day went. By responding positively, you magnify the positive experience, build trust and intimacy, and contribute to your well-being. If you ignore or dismiss the exchange, you do the opposite, creating a withdrawal from their emotional bank account.
Relationships, just like your personal bank account, need regular tending for positive results.
Challenge:
How are you going to contribute to the emotional bank accounts in your relationships? Take some time this week and reflect at the end of each day what you did to "deposit' or "withdraw" from those emotional bank accounts. Then, decide what steps you will take the next day to put in a few more "deposits." 😉
Disclaimer: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.